Seriously, there’s no way to review the Television Show, Quantico starring Priyanka Chopra, without being rude. Except perhaps, by doing it tongue-in-cheek. So here goes nothing.

Quantico was originally written as “Archie goes to FBI” by Vic Bloom and Bob Montana*.

But qualitative research carried out by the good folks ABC indicated the lead should be played by a female character, so Bettie was chosen, and a rewrite ordered.

But then, a committee for racial equality, funded by a Panama-based offshore foundation with roots in Asia pointed out that a pre-emptive campaign against Donald Trump was needed to show that American Heroes aren’t always white.

Seeing the massive crowds that turned up to watch Modi in the USA, and the influence of SRK’s fans on Twitter, ABC’s number-crunching marketing gurus recommended making a Bollywood beti, into Bettie. And the chosen beti turned out to apni Bollywood ki Priyanka Chopra.

The FBI, desperately in need of good PR ratings endorsed the script, because it showcased a sensitive side of the Bureau. So also, women’s locker-and-dorm-room banter was thrown into the script, sponsored by Victoria’s Secret.

There you have it. The real answer to the question you ask yourself after you’re glued to successive episodes Quantico – “Why??”


*You know I’m joking, right? That this is actually a parody, a spoof, a ridiculously made-up story, just like the original Quantico.